Rebecca's Life...

A Revalation

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 06:44:03 GMT

Tired. Isn't that always how I am, though? Horribly tired and bored. It really is okay, though. I'm okay with it, which is weird. I mean, sometimes I'm obviously not, but right now at this very moment...I am.

I miss Nate. I know that I say that a lot, but I do. He's probably at home. He's getting ready to go to sleep. Maybe looking at the newest WoW cards or checking to see what people are saying about decks and such. (Which is VERY important, mind you, because he has to build me a crazy good deck so I can kick the asses of the boys we play with.) I want to call him and hear his beautiful voice. I want him near me, holding me and giving me that amazing warmth. It's such a huge turn on for me, the way he holds me. I wonder if he'll ever really know how much I like it, considering the exact way he does it, is very hard for me to capture in words.

Lord, I just miss him, and everything that I look at reminds me of him. It's only been one day! Am I that in love? Still? After all this time that we've been together?

Yes. It's true. I am today, and I always will be.

Oh my God...

I trust him.

I TRUST HIM! Completely! Oh, this is such an amazing feeling!!!

I want to shout it off some where thats really, really, really high... Like a mountain!

I TRUST HIM!!!!!!

Oh... I have to talk to him! I have to call him now!! Even if he's asleep and is so mad at me that he cries, I have to tell him! I have to!!!

-Becks-

Tired,

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 04:52:04 GMT

Wayyyy to tired to even begin to post anything worth reading.

I love Nate, but is he lying? I don't think so. He loves me, and I love him. His stupid tooth makes us unable to see each other. It bothers me. Grrr.

Why didnt he call me?

-Me

Hello, Old Friend!

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 04:48:32 GMT

I hurt. I'm sick, and I have literally no idea what the hell is the matter with me. I mean, there are a few things that come to mind. Like, take for the fact that I have diabetes and I don't take very much care of myself. That could be why. Or maybe I'm just facing the consequences of me not eating any thing all day Saturday. Whatever the case, I am sick. I am so sick I just want to curl up into a bed and cry.

I'm frustrated with my relationship, but not in a, "Do we break up, or don't we?" kind of way. I love Nate completely, but it just seems like he doesn't take into consideration how I feel about alot of things. I think that he thinks he does, but it sure as hell doesn't feel like that alot of the time. I don't really know what he thinks about the situation with C.J. and him cheating, but I know that he wants to be her friend, and may be regardless of what he's telling me. My heart hurts, and will probably hurt for awhile because of what happened. Its hard for me to trust him as it is, and then that just throws in more doubt.

But how do I convey my feelings to him where he'll actually understand it, I ask myself. The answer to that question, will probably never be known.

I think that when I talk to him, my words come out as, "Blah Blah Blah, I'm being a complete bitch who wants to ruin your life because I want you to stop talking to the girl you cheated on me with." And obviously, the situation is more complex than him just cheating on me, and me just telling him to stop talking to her. I want to scream sometimes. Yell. Fight. Be angry. But then another part of me tells me not to do it, because it will cause problems.

Granted, he called her, and told her he wouldn't speak to her anymore. But will he do it again? It scares me so much. I'm horribly afraid of being alone, and it just worries me.

But then, after us fighting or something, I feel relieved and happy. He becomes my knight in shining armor, and he treats me like a princess. He watches what he says, and makes sure that I'm comfortable and happy. I live for these moments. These moments of complete bliss and happiness. When I feel like nothing can touch me because I'm in his arms.

I'm obviously NOT going to break up with him. Why do I do this to myself? I love him. The bad days are outnumbered by the good ones. I'm fine. People have bad days. Forgive him. Stop being stupid.

I'm...so...fucking...frustrated.

God, I love him.

"Lane: Becca, I tell you this as a friend. If he remains your boyfriend, you will be heartbroken. I'm not saying you may or that you can; I'm saying that in the future, you will definitely be heartbroken. You have, like Stockholm's Syndrome: you sympathize with your captor. Don't be worried that you'll lose him. Be worried he will cheat on you again. Be worried. Don't take him back. Loose him like the 70s lost disco. I need to go to bed. Goodnight."

*sighs* You cant be right. I wont let you.

Lord, I promised myself that I would write more, and I havent. How stupid am I? lol

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 02:59:24 GMT

I'm sitting at Agents of Comics, mostly hanging out with the boys, and Ginny and April.

This is probably the most important day of my week; Saturdays. I get to play World of Warcraft TCG. Its fun. And, truthfully, I kinda want to play the actual game. It just seems fun. Heh. :-) I havent played in ages, and it just sounds entertaining. I wonder if I should...

Anyways... Things with Nate are going okay, I suppose. Its pretty much off an on in terms of us being happy. We go for a few days, then one of us is irritable, and we lose happiness. Its horribly annoying. But what do we do? Were pretty much stuck together, and were probably not going to break up any time soon. So, we just keep going and try to make the best of bad situations when we're not happy. I still love him a lot. We just have problems some times. Life is just...there.

I'm looking forward to graduating from West, and going to WSU next fall. I'll be living on campus, which I'm SO excited about. It means I get to start the next level of my life.

Shit. I forgot my next topic. DAMN DAMN DAMN.

I cant remember. I want to cry. Oh well. I suppose I can write more when I dont fucking forget. lmao.

-Rebecca

I love this thing.

Mon, 21 May 2007 03:59:52 GMT

"Quick Update". I love it with all my heart ever. Heh. It makes me happy. I don't have to go to 50 different damn places to post.

Anyways, today was horribly boring. I woke up at about 12, and I did nothing all day. It was amazing. And then a horrible reality occured: work.

Ha. One more week of school. Thank you, Jesus. I love your face.

Gr. That was all. I hate it when I have 200 things to say but no idea how to say them.

I think its a bit funny.

Fri, 18 May 2007 03:36:26 GMT

    It's funny how I have litterally so many things to say, but I have no idea where to start. It makes me sad, because it used to be that I knew exactally what I wanted to say, and when to say it. But, now I have no idea what I really want to say, and no idea when to attempt to say it.

    I think I write for everyone else, and not myself. This makes me a bit sad. I always write what I think that people should know about me. I never say things that can be used against me. But why not? Its my damn life, correct? Correct. I'm myself, and I suppose that if you don't like that, then I obviously shouldn't talk to you.

    I think that my parents either are, or should be getting a divorce. It used to be that when I was younger, like 8 or 9, I would freak out at that thought. But what would make them happy? Isnt that what matters most in life? What makes you and others happy?

    Yarg. I just remembered I have to write a paper for Ferrar.

-Becca

First Post

Thu, 17 May 2007 04:43:29 GMT

This is my first post. Obviously wont be long by any means.

Actually, it will be only a few sentences.

I should make this a bit longer. :-) Next time. And Ill post regularly, and get those friends I left behind on here. :-)

-Rebecca